Lettin it Out~

I always seem to want what is beyond my reach.  It's a conundrum I face often.  I wish for the dream the dream happens but the ending is never quite right.  I'm a lucky soul in that I am surrounded by family I love and loves me.  Friends, that I know will come thru no matter how many times I ask, impulsively or not. 

Mom has once again beaten the odds.  She bowled with the devil and rolled all over him in the 10th frame. Now she isn't quite the tournament champ yet but I have little doubt she will roll strikes as he rolls gutter balls, and as she strolls back to the seats innocently turn and give him the bird.  I love my Mom.  It's a love/hate relationship, but I would give my life for her and she for me, so it works. The "Fuck You" is followed the the "Love You".  People see us interact and they are appalled, but they don't know the history, the ties that bind, and the respect we have for one another.

She gives me my freedom to be me.  She allows me to be who I am. She guides me, teaches me, laughs with me and at me, tells me to go off and be with my friends when she knows I need to decompress (thank the 80+ mile JC for that).  This doesn't mean I don't worry about her, I do.  Knowing full well that I have no control over any of it I still worry.  I toil with the situation at hand, I struggle with the pain of seeing her grow older and her body giving out on her. A strong body until now, and the frustration upon her face that she is facing her reality.  You always see your Mom a certain way.....then just like I have been told, the role reversal begins.  I don't like it!  I don't want to succomb to it, and I know she hates it, but I will be there for her like she was for me when I could not see that being a child meant sometimes letting your parents help you.

I love where I live.  Which is far far away.  As she gets older I struggle with that.  I don't want to leave here but still that reformed catholic guilt tells me I am being selfish. And even tho it has been a really long time it was such a pleasure to see so many people that I have known re-arrange their world or just an afternoon to share time with me and on such short notice, cuz you know Mom was bowling with Devil and kinda messed up my time slots.

It's marinating in my head.  Should I or should I not.  Be the adult and re-arrange my world to make it that much easier for her?  It's a huge ass struggle. It's a full on ping pong game in my head these days.

Hmmmmmm